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(https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/getbetter) Learn More (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/getbetter) Here are 8 Books I Read on Making Friends This Month March, 2025 (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2025/03/18/8-books-on-making-friends/#disqus_thread) 2 Comments | Comments | Share As I write this, I\u2019m wrapping up the sixth month of my year-long (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2024/07/02/foundations-for-good-life/) Foundations project. This month\u2019s focus is outreach\u2014making and maintaining friendships. In this post, I\u2019ll share lessons from the eight books I read on this topic. Next week, I\u2019ll share my personal reflections on this month\u2019s work. For those interested, my notes from the previous months are available here: 1.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Fitness: (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2024/10/01/foundations-fitness-day-1/) Start , (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2024/10/31/fitness-month-end-update/) End , (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2024/10/22/what-i-learned-about-getting-in-shape-after-reading-13-books-this-month/) Books .2.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Productivity: (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2024/11/06/productivity-opening-update/) Start , (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2024/11/29/productivity-end/) End , (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2024/11/19/10-important-books-productivity/) Books .3.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Money: (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2024/12/03/money-day-one/) Start , (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2024/12/31/money-month-end/) End , (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2024/12/17/10-books-money/) Books .4.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Food: (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2025/01/06/food-opening-update/) Start , (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2025/02/04/food-month-end-update/) End , (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2025/01/13/what-i-learned-and-unlearned-reading-10-books-on-nutrition/) Books .5.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Reading: (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2025/02/11/reading-open/) Start , (https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2025/02/25/reflections-on-a-month-for-reading/) End and Books . 1-Minute Summary of What I Learned Here are some quick takeaways from the eight books I read: Good friends keep you healthier. People with better social networks live longer, and the health impacts of loneliness and isolation are in the same ballpark as well-known dangers such as smoking cigarettes. Acquaintances matter too. Although the focus for most of us is on having deep friendships, there\u2019s a whole literature on the role of \u201cweak ties,\u201d or people you rarely see, being *more* important for finding job opportunities or word-of-mouth opportunities. Friendship isn\u2019t fast. Estimates on the time required for people to become friends is on the order of 60+ hours of in-person contact. This threshold explains why you can socialize frequently, yet still fail to make friends\u2014if you don\u2019t have sustained opportunity to socialize with the same people over and over, many potential friendships drop off before they hit the 60+ hour threshold. It\u2019s better to be interested than interesting . People are egocentric. We like people who like us, who take an interest in our interests and who really want to listen. Democracy itself may be at stake. Since the 1960s, community and civic life have withered from their post-WWII peak. This decay of social infrastructure may be a major reason for our collective distrust and polarization. Overall I found this topic much deeper than I had expected, leading to some personal realizations which I\u2019ll discuss next week. Now, some notes on each of the books I read\u2026 8 Books on Making Friends 1. (https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/8183227899/) How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie () Every once in awhile, a self-help book becomes so popular that it becomes a free-floating meme, detached from its actual content. Carnegie\u2019s classic belongs in that rare genre of books which you probably feel like you\u2019ve read\u2014even if you haven\u2019t. While the book has dozens of chapters articulating specific strategies for dealing with people, they all basically boil down to a simple observation: most people are egocentric. If you can adopt the other person\u2019s perspective, and give them what they genuinely want, you\u2019ll have smoother social interactions than if you focus directly on what you want. The book definitely shows its age in a few places, such as a charming anecdote about a manager complimenting his secretary\u2019s appearance, but the advice needs few updates because human nature hasn\u2019t changed since Carnegie first wrote it. 2. (https://www.amazon.ca/Friendship-Natural-History-Lydia-Denworth/dp/0393651541) Friendship by Lydia Denworth () I enjoyed this wide-ranging book discussing the science of friendship. The topics covered are eclectic, so it\u2019s difficult to summarize adequately. Denworth\u2019s investigation of friendship ranges from in-depth discussion of monkey communities, to the health impacts of loneliness, to whether or not Facebook is good or bad for society. 3. (https://www.amazon.com/Supercommunicators-Unlock-Secret-Language-Connection/dp/0593243919/) Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg () Duhigg, a journalist whose previous work includes bestsellers on habits and productivity, tackles social skills in Supercommunicators . The idea is drawn from the observation that some people are consistently better in their ability to make friends than others, and that this skill is learnable to some degree. A central idea of this book is that essential communication depends on understanding what kind of conversation the other person wants to have and ensuring you match them in that desire. Duhigg argues for three broad types of conversations: practical (What are we going to do?), emotional (How do we feel about it?), and identity (Who are we?), and that attempts to dialogue often derail when people don\u2019t successfully synchronize this. 4. (https://www.amazon.ca/Never-Eat-Alone-Expanded-Updated/dp/0385346654/) Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi () I first read this book shortly after it came out in 2005. I think Ferrazzi does a good job of practically explaining how super-networkers, such as himself, manage to meet so many people and maintain so many relationships. One key insight I enjoyed revisiting was his explanation that relationships are muscles which strengthen through use, not bank accounts where favors can be saved up for a rainy day. While I found this book useful, it\u2019s probably not the best book to persuade someone of the value of networking if they already find the practice off-putting. I think guides that focus on friendship and service are probably better to adopt as a mindset than the ambition-orientation that suffuses this book. 5. (https://www.amazon.ca/Should-Get-Together-Cultivating-Friendships/dp/1734379715) We Should Get Together by Kat Vellos () Vellos writes about how hard it is to make friends in big cities. People are abundant, yet genuine connection is often rare and fleeting. \u2028\u2028This book was interesting, although probably aimed more at an earlier chapter in my life when I was often newly in a big city with ample time for socializing but struggling with the revolving door of temporary friendships. Still, I think Vellos addresses a genuine need for a lot of people, and her advice is practical and useful. 6. (https://www.amazon.ca/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without/dp/0143118757) Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton () Negotiation is a central part of all relationships. From diplomatic conferences to deciding where to go for dinner, we\u2019re always in a delicate dance of conflicting interests and desires. \u2028\u2028The authors argue that most people make the mistake of bargaining over positions, like hagglers at a street market who keep stating their \u201cbest price\u201d until they either make a deal or walk away. The uncomfortable conflict this creates causes some people to go hard, trying to squeeze the other person at the risk of the relationship, or go soft, trying to accommodate at the risk of failing to get what you really want. Instead, the authors suggest we should negotiate on principles, not positions. Separate the people from the problem; focus on your interests, not your position itself; look for options for mutual gain; and when you have to compromise, look for objective standards and principles to determine fairness. 7. (https://www.amazon.ca/Art-Gathering-How-Meet-Matters/dp/1594634939) The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker () A good book opens you to a new way of thinking. Parker\u2019s book definitely did that for me. Before reading this, not once had I ever considered hosting a dinner party or social event with the mindset Parker espouses. Parker\u2019s key to throwing successful parties is to define a clear (and debatable) purpose and have everything tailored to that outcome. That means the venue, guest list and even the rules of the party (she thinks a good host should have and enforce them) should all work to achieve the gathering\u2019s stated purpose. Definitely a must-read if you want to have an important event and aren\u2019t sure the right way to go about it. 8. (https://www.amazon.com/Bowling-Alone-Collapse-American-Community/dp/1982130849/) Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam () Civic participation and communal life in America have been declining for decades, and the decay in our social infrastructure is showing.\u2028\u2028 Armed with hundreds of charts and statistics, Putnam walks through various measures of social decline from club membership, church attendance, volunteerism, political activism, and even picnics. Across the board, people are spending less time connected to their community than they were during the heyday of communal life in the 1960s. This decline is epitomized in the title of the book: at the time of its writing, more people than ever were bowling, but there were far fewer bowling leagues . () 1 In this decline, Putnam sounds a warning about the health of American society. Places with lower measures of social capital have worse social outcomes: less civic participation, less trust in government, higher crime and worse health. Communal interaction builds generalized trust, which acts as a social lubricant making transacting with strangers easier and safer. () 2 Unfortunately, it hardly seems like we\u2019ve reached the nadir of Putnam\u2019s social capital decline. Putnam blaming the entertainment value of television for causing the decline in social gathering now seems almost quaint when we have always-on, algorithmically-mediated entertainment in our pockets at all times. While the message may be a bit of a downer, I still found this book enormously useful in reshaping my perspective on socializing. There\u2019s value in belonging to communities, not merely circles of friends. Clubs and organizations that bring people together from different strata of society are both valuable and necessary. _ _ _ That\u2019s it for books this month. Next week, I\u2019ll share some personal reflections on how I\u2019ve improved my own outreach this past month as well as my plans for the future. Footnotes Putnam himself notes that the term \u201cbowling alone\u201d should be taken with poetic license. People probably *are* bowling with friends. But with fewer leagues, these informal and spontaneous gatherings are not a substitute for the larger assembly of social capital created by bringing people from different walks of life together in organized leagues and clubs. As a side note, as I read this book shortly after the recent US election, it seems impossible not to connect Putnam\u2019s words about the potential damage of declining social trust and the recent political climate. Join my weekly newsletter (5books_optin.png) AND GET 5 BOOKS FOR FREE! Join 100,000+ readers who get my private weekly newsletter and get instant access to 5 of my e-books and exclusive content I don't share anywhere else. 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People probably *are* bowling with friends. But with fewer leagues, these informal and spontaneous gatherings are not a substitute for the larger assembly of social capital created by bringing people from different walks of life together in organized leagues and clubs. As a side note, as I read this book shortly after the recent US election, it seems impossible not to connect Putnam\u2019s words about the potential damage of declining social trust and the recent political climate. (reCAPTCHA) " ], "output": "htmltotext.txt", "pwd": "/data/archive/1742759775.618312", "schema": "ArchiveResult", "start_ts": "2025-03-23T19:57:31.188500+00:00", "status": "succeeded" } ], "media": [ { "cmd": [ "/usr/local/bin/yt-dlp", "--restrict-filenames", "--trim-filenames", "128", "--write-description", "--write-info-json", "--write-annotations", "--write-thumbnail", "--no-call-home", "--write-sub", "--write-auto-subs", "--convert-subs=srt", "--yes-playlist", "--continue", "--no-abort-on-error", "--ignore-errors", "--geo-bypass", "--add-metadata", "--format=(bv*+ba/b)[filesize<=750m][filesize_approx<=?750m]/(bv*+ba/b)", "--skip-download", "--cache-dir=/data/yt-dlp-cache/", "--cookies=/data/yt-dlp-cache/cookies.txt", "--proxy=socks5://tor-socks-proxy:9150", "--no-playlist", "https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2025/03/18/8-books-on-making-friends/" ], "cmd_version": "2024.10.7", "end_ts": "2025-03-23T19:57:41.700759+00:00", "index_texts": [], "output": "media/", "pwd": "/data/archive/1742759775.618312", "schema": "ArchiveResult", "start_ts": "2025-03-23T19:57:35.510903+00:00", "status": "succeeded" } ], "mercury": [ { "cmd": [ "/home/archivebox/.npm/bin/postlight-parser", "https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2025/03/18/8-books-on-making-friends/" ], "cmd_version": "2.2.3", "end_ts": "2025-03-23T19:57:31.136869+00:00", "index_texts": null, "output": "mercury/", "pwd": "/data/archive/1742759775.618312", "schema": "ArchiveResult", "start_ts": "2025-03-23T19:57:24.180830+00:00", "status": "succeeded" } ], "pdf": [], "readability": [ { "cmd": [ "/home/archivebox/.npm/bin/readability-extractor", "/tmp/tmp2i3g4xjt", "https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2025/03/18/8-books-on-making-friends/" ], "cmd_version": "0.0.11", "end_ts": "2025-03-23T19:57:11.682831+00:00", "index_texts": [ "As I write this, I\u2019m wrapping up the sixth month of my year-long Foundations project. This month\u2019s focus is outreach\u2014making and maintaining friendships. In this post, I\u2019ll share lessons from the eight books I read on this topic. Next week, I\u2019ll share my personal reflections on this month\u2019s work.\u2028\u2028\nFor those interested, my notes from the previous months are available here:\n1.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Fitness: Start, End, Books.2.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Productivity: Start, End, Books.3.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Money: Start, End, Books.4.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Food: Start, End, Books.5.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Reading: Start, End and Books.\n1-Minute Summary of What I Learned\nHere are some quick takeaways from the eight books I read:\n\nGood friends keep you healthier. People with better social networks live longer, and the health impacts of loneliness and isolation are in the same ballpark as well-known dangers such as smoking cigarettes.\nAcquaintances matter too. Although the focus for most of us is on having deep friendships, there\u2019s a whole literature on the role of \u201cweak ties,\u201d or people you rarely see, being *more* important for finding job opportunities or word-of-mouth opportunities.\nFriendship isn\u2019t fast. Estimates on the time required for people to become friends is on the order of 60+ hours of in-person contact. This threshold explains why you can socialize frequently, yet still fail to make friends\u2014if you don\u2019t have sustained opportunity to socialize with the same people over and over, many potential friendships drop off before they hit the 60+ hour threshold.\nIt\u2019s better to be interested than interesting. People are egocentric. We like people who like us, who take an interest in our interests and who really want to listen.\nDemocracy itself may be at stake. Since the 1960s, community and civic life have withered from their post-WWII peak. This decay of social infrastructure may be a major reason for our collective distrust and polarization.\n\nOverall I found this topic much deeper than I had expected, leading to some personal realizations which I\u2019ll discuss next week. Now, some notes on each of the books I read\u2026\n\n1. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie\n\n\n\nEvery once in awhile, a self-help book becomes so popular that it becomes a free-floating meme, detached from its actual content. Carnegie\u2019s classic belongs in that rare genre of books which you probably feel like you\u2019ve read\u2014even if you haven\u2019t.\nWhile the book has dozens of chapters articulating specific strategies for dealing with people, they all basically boil down to a simple observation: most people are egocentric. If you can adopt the other person\u2019s perspective, and give them what they genuinely want, you\u2019ll have smoother social interactions than if you focus directly on what you want.\nThe book definitely shows its age in a few places, such as a charming anecdote about a manager complimenting his secretary\u2019s appearance, but the advice needs few updates because human nature hasn\u2019t changed since Carnegie first wrote it.\n2. Friendship by Lydia Denworth\n\n\n\nI enjoyed this wide-ranging book discussing the science of friendship. The topics covered are eclectic, so it\u2019s difficult to summarize adequately. Denworth\u2019s investigation of friendship ranges from in-depth discussion of monkey communities, to the health impacts of loneliness, to whether or not Facebook is good or bad for society.\n3. Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg\n\n\n\nDuhigg, a journalist whose previous work includes bestsellers on habits and productivity, tackles social skills in Supercommunicators. The idea is drawn from the observation that some people are consistently better in their ability to make friends than others, and that this skill is learnable to some degree.\nA central idea of this book is that essential communication depends on understanding what kind of conversation the other person wants to have and ensuring you match them in that desire. Duhigg argues for three broad types of conversations: practical (What are we going to do?), emotional (How do we feel about it?), and identity (Who are we?), and that attempts to dialogue often derail when people don\u2019t successfully synchronize this.\n4. Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi\n\n\n\nI first read this book shortly after it came out in 2005. I think Ferrazzi does a good job of practically explaining how super-networkers, such as himself, manage to meet so many people and maintain so many relationships. One key insight I enjoyed revisiting was his explanation that relationships are muscles which strengthen through use, not bank accounts where favors can be saved up for a rainy day.\nWhile I found this book useful, it\u2019s probably not the best book to persuade someone of the value of networking if they already find the practice off-putting. I think guides that focus on friendship and service are probably better to adopt as a mindset than the ambition-orientation that suffuses this book.\n5. We Should Get Together by Kat Vellos\n\n\n\nVellos writes about how hard it is to make friends in big cities. People are abundant, yet genuine connection is often rare and fleeting. \u2028\u2028This book was interesting, although probably aimed more at an earlier chapter in my life when I was often newly in a big city with ample time for socializing but struggling with the revolving door of temporary friendships.\nStill, I think Vellos addresses a genuine need for a lot of people, and her advice is practical and useful.\n6. Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton\n\n\n\nNegotiation is a central part of all relationships. From diplomatic conferences to deciding where to go for dinner, we\u2019re always in a delicate dance of conflicting interests and desires. \u2028\u2028The authors argue that most people make the mistake of bargaining over positions, like hagglers at a street market who keep stating their \u201cbest price\u201d until they either make a deal or walk away. The uncomfortable conflict this creates causes some people to go hard, trying to squeeze the other person at the risk of the relationship, or go soft, trying to accommodate at the risk of failing to get what you really want.\nInstead, the authors suggest we should negotiate on principles, not positions. Separate the people from the problem; focus on your interests, not your position itself; look for options for mutual gain; and when you have to compromise, look for objective standards and principles to determine fairness.\n7. The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker\n\n\n\nA good book opens you to a new way of thinking. Parker\u2019s book definitely did that for me. Before reading this, not once had I ever considered hosting a dinner party or social event with the mindset Parker espouses.\nParker\u2019s key to throwing successful parties is to define a clear (and debatable) purpose and have everything tailored to that outcome. That means the venue, guest list and even the rules of the party (she thinks a good host should have and enforce them) should all work to achieve the gathering\u2019s stated purpose.\nDefinitely a must-read if you want to have an important event and aren\u2019t sure the right way to go about it.\n8. Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam\n\n\n\nCivic participation and communal life in America have been declining for decades, and the decay in our social infrastructure is showing.\u2028\u2028 Armed with hundreds of charts and statistics, Putnam walks through various measures of social decline from club membership, church attendance, volunteerism, political activism, and even picnics. Across the board, people are spending less time connected to their community than they were during the heyday of communal life in the 1960s.\nThis decline is epitomized in the title of the book: at the time of its writing, more people than ever were bowling, but there were far fewer bowling leagues.1\nIn this decline, Putnam sounds a warning about the health of American society. Places with lower measures of social capital have worse social outcomes: less civic participation, less trust in government, higher crime and worse health. Communal interaction builds generalized trust, which acts as a social lubricant making transacting with strangers easier and safer.2\nUnfortunately, it hardly seems like we\u2019ve reached the nadir of Putnam\u2019s social capital decline. Putnam blaming the entertainment value of television for causing the decline in social gathering now seems almost quaint when we have always-on, algorithmically-mediated entertainment in our pockets at all times.\nWhile the message may be a bit of a downer, I still found this book enormously useful in reshaping my perspective on socializing. There\u2019s value in belonging to communities, not merely circles of friends. Clubs and organizations that bring people together from different strata of society are both valuable and necessary.\n_ _ _\nThat\u2019s it for books this month. Next week, I\u2019ll share some personal reflections on how I\u2019ve improved my own outreach this past month as well as my plans for the future.\nFootnotesPutnam himself notes that the term \u201cbowling alone\u201d should be taken with poetic license. People probably *are* bowling with friends. 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