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A book to take you from coder to contributor.\u2777 Creator of (https://www.codetriage.com) CodeTriage , a free service helping developers contribute to open\n source.\u2778 Core committer to (https://github.com/ruby/ruby) ruby/ruby .\u2779 Married to Ruby, literally. \u00a9 Richard Schneeman \u2630 My Red Hot ADHD Programming 'Affliction' 21 Nov 2024 (https://twitter.com/intent/tweet/?text=My%20Red%20Hot%20ADHD%20Programming%20'Affliction';hashtags=ruby;via=schneems;url=https://www.schneems.com/2024/11/21/my-red-hot-adhd-programming-affliction/) Twitter (https://reddit.com/submit/?url=https://www.schneems.com/2024/11/21/my-red-hot-adhd-programming-affliction/&title=My%20Red%20Hot%20ADHD%20Programming%20'Affliction') Reddit (https://lobste.rs/stories/new?url=https://www.schneems.com/2024/11/21/my-red-hot-adhd-programming-affliction/&title=My%20Red%20Hot%20ADHD%20Programming%20'Affliction') Lobste.rs (https://news.ycombinator.com/submitlink?u=https://www.schneems.com/2024/11/21/my-red-hot-adhd-programming-affliction/&t=My%20Red%20Hot%20ADHD%20Programming%20'Affliction') Hacker News Sorry, Dave, ADHD is real, and (not acknowledging it) can hurt you. Hi. I\u2019m Richard. I\u2019m a Ruby Core Contributor. I also code in Rust, and enjoy giving talks and (https://howtoopensource.dev/) writing books about How to (Contribute to) Open Source . I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 30\u2019s. What does it mean that I was \u201cdiagnosed\u201d with ADHD? Am I simply a speed junkie? What even is ADHD, and why is there so much misinformation and misunderstanding about it? Keep reading to find out. For context, this is inspired by (https://web.archive.org/web/20241121071802/https://world.hey.com/dhh/cold-reading-an-adhd-affliction-44163793) DHH, the creator of Ruby on Rails, musing out loud that maybe ADHD isn\u2019t really a thing and that people who claim to have it are really just speed junkies in his post \u2018Cold reading an ADHD affliction\u2019 . Though it\u2019s turned into a bit of a personal essay on my ADHD journey and thoughts on what it means to be a leader in the age of social media. Why do I think I have ADHD? First off. What was my diagnosis story? As a child, I was told I had a \u201cgreat memory\u201d and was a solid A- to B+ student. School wasn\u2019t interesting, so I didn\u2019t really try. My biggest behavioral issue was that I snuck books into class and read them under my desk. If your mental picture of someone with ADHD is an out-of-control \u201clittle monster,\u201d then this seems like the opposite. I got through college with a degree, taught myself Ruby on Rails (thanks for the framework, Dave!), got a job, and, at some point, started giving conference talks around the world. So far, so good. No ADHD is on the horizon for me! I started seeing a therapist because I\u2019m a knowledge worker, and I wanted to make sure my brain was in top shape. A high-performing athlete sees physical therapists and trainers even when performing well. I heard others talk about their ADHD on social media. I was surprised at some symptoms like \u201chyperfocus,\u201d the blessing/curse that is an inability to stop a task you\u2019re engaged with. I heard about time blindness and other traits that resonated with me. As Jessica McCabe from \u201cHow to ADHD\u201d (YouTube channel and book) would say, \u201cBut every [programmer] has those problems, right?\u201d You might think this is where my therapist stood up and loudly declared, \u201cNO, YOU HAVE ADHD.\u201d But they didn\u2019t; I\u2019ve found there\u2019s a bit of a stigma about ADHD, even within the mental health community. My therapist\u2019s approach was to not validate my \u201chey, this is resonating with me\u201d but instead take the approach of Asking, \u201cWhat are the impacts of that being true? How can that information be helpful?\u201d for lack of a better term they \u201cleaned out\u201d of the self-diagnosis but didn\u2019t dismiss it (thankfully). They encouraged me to seek more materials and bring them back to discuss with them. Oof, I skipped a part. Why was I bringing that self-diagnosis part up to my therapist? ADHD doesn\u2019t just affect your professional life. In fact, my ADHD is amazing for my professional life (usually) as it helps me debug a problem for hours as the day slips away. It also affects relationships. Life for me growing up was tough. I always felt like something was wrong. I felt like life was harder for me than everyone else, but I did well enough, so it mostly sounded like I was a big complainer to adults. I was able to develop coping mechanisms that worked, such as bringing books to school when I was young. I had more agency to adapt to the world when I got older. This is one reason I\u2019m so drawn to open source: it lets me fix problems that are trivial to others but deeply painful and personal. While I could terraform my professional and adult life to work with my brain quirks and preferences, terraforming my wife and children wasn\u2019t an option. Children are quite inflexible in their needs, and it was difficult for me to adapt. I\u2019m generally meh at doing mundane and basic things but then will over-compensate by knocking a handful of really difficult (and interesting) things out of the park. You can\u2019t do that with kids. All their needs are primal yet basic, and it doesn\u2019t matter how well you can change a diaper - there\u2019s no way to do it so well that your infant says, \u201cWow, that was great.\u201d One day, I was having an argument with my wife. It was about how I never planned dates. It got heated. She had to go to a meeting, and I planned to return to the conversation \u201cHey, how about we grab lunch after your meeting to talk it over.\u201d I realized that I needed to meet the basic expectations of planning events and trying to compensate for them by taking action then and there. The suggestion might seem trite or pandering, but she thought it was good and agreed. An hour later, she walked into my office (garage), and I literally couldn\u2019t remember why she was there. Or rather, I was in the middle of another task, and when she walked in, I had to rack my brain to quickly retrieve the info that would provide context to her: \u201cI\u2019m here.\u201d It took a split second too long, and she noticed. Turns out that I don\u2019t \u201chave a good memory.\u201d What I have is the ability to recall extremely detailed information about a situation, given that I\u2019m primed with the context. This gives the false impression of me having a good memory but makes things like \u201cforgetting\u201d you were fighting with your wife and agreeing to go have lunch with her really confusing to other people. It makes it seem like you care about other things but not them. In fact, I deeply care about the people around me, especially my wife. She got pissed, I had a bit of a breakdown. We did go to lunch, and while there, I realized that I had lost track of time and missed my remote call with my therapist. Oops. That was a bit of a boiling-over moment, and I was convinced something was wrong in a way that \u201ctry harder (at relationships)\u201d was not the fix. I pushed my therapist harder. They suggested an awful info session class on relationships for couples with ADHD that left my wife in tears. Eventually, we found the book \u201cADHD and Us\u201d by Anita Robertson, and I could really see myself and my relationship in the words of that book. Even with the book in hand and anecdotes resonating with both my wife and me, I still deeply questioned my self-diagnosis. My therapist at the time still didn\u2019t want to \u201clabel\u201d me. I oscillated between \u201ceveryone has these problems\u201d and \u201cthis matches my lived experience too well to be a coincidence.\u201d It turns out that self-doubt and doubting whether or not you\u2019ve got ADHD is really common. So when I see posts by people who want to be leaders in the community (https://world.hey.com/dhh/cold-reading-an-adhd-affliction-44163793) musing out loud that maybe ADHD isn\u2019t really a thing and that it\u2019s all in our heads , it\u2019s pretty hurtful. Not because he\u2019s wrong to have those thoughts or question norms but because everyone who has ADHD already HAS THOSE THOUGHTS. It\u2019s a deeply unhelpful take, and there\u2019s an already misunderstood world of ADHD, even within the medical community. At this point, I was not on meds, but I started bringing up the things from the book more and more. I didn\u2019t actually know how to get meds to try them, but I was medication-curious. I found an online ADHD provider, and I felt a mixture of relief and doubt when they said, \u201cYes, sounds like you have ADHD,\u201d and gave me a prescription. Was I telling them what they wanted to hear because I had hyperfocused on the topic and knew all the symptoms inside and out? Or did I actually have ADHD? For the longest time, that was my biggest battle. Answering the question, \u201cDo I actually have ADHD? Or is this all in my head?\u201d I eventually found an available in-person psychiatrist. They are REALLY hard to find. I blankly asked them, \u201cIs this real, or did I make it up,\u201d and through many sessions, they affirmed that I had ADHD. But I still didn\u2019t believe it. I sought out more of an empirical approach. I eventually found some quite expensive but thorough testing. I signed up for hours of testing at a specialty clinic where they administered mind games like \u201csay the color of a word when the word is the spelling of a different color.\u201d For one test, I sat for 15 extremely boring minutes in front of a computer, and every time I heard a beep or saw a dot on the screen, I clicked a mouse button. I then took my meds and, about an hour later, took the exact same test. At the end of the day, I was convinced I was making everything up; the tests seemed easy. I could see how someone could game the attention one, but I was doing this for me; I wanted to know. I focused and tried as hard as possible. I was convinced the before and after scores would be the same. Spoiler alert, they were not. From the report: Integrated Visual and Auditory Continuous Performance Test \u2013 2nd Edition (IVA-CPT-2)\nThis is a computer-based test specifically designed to assess for symptoms of ADHD.\nRichard\u2019s performance is considered a valid estimate of his functioning. Overall, he earned\nImpaired scores when he was tested without stimulant medication, whereas his performance was\nin the Normal range when he was tested with stimulant medication. Apparently I was \u201cimpaired\u201d on the first test without my medication. On the second test, with my medication I\u2019m \u201cnormal.\u201d So maybe I didn\u2019t do so great and the medication does have a measurable positive impact, even if I can\u2019t always tell a difference when I take it. Later, I would move my prescription to my general practitioner (which I also found out is probably the normal way that most people are prescribed ADHD medication). That doctor also asserted that I had ADHD. And finally, I moved to see Anita Robertson as a therapist. You might remember that name as the author of the book \u201cADHD and Us\u201d, which I loved so much. Turns out she lives in Austin, Texas. She also affirmed my suspicions. Does DHH know more about my ADHD then me? So, do I have ADHD, Dave? I don\u2019t know. I still question everything about my brain regularly. Your post didn\u2019t help that but didn\u2019t cause it, so I don\u2019t blame you for that question. Yes, I take \u201cspeed\u201d regularly. Still, it\u2019s not like people with ADHD are the only people in the world stimming themselves to keep up with society. It\u2019s also a weird drug. I can tell a difference if I haven\u2019t taken it, but it\u2019s very subtle to me. I have my medication in a timer cap because I genuinely cannot tell whether I\u2019ve taken it or not. Sometimes I forget. Before meds, I was self-medicating with caffeine, a lot so of it. I started drinking coffee when I was a child, lots of milk and sugar, but out of the same pot as my parents. I loved how it felt, and the world seemed less bad, if just a bit so. I still enjoy coffee, but more for the taste, and I have far less of it than I did before getting on medication. Medication helps quite a bit in many areas of my life. Personally and profesisonal. But it\u2019s not a magic fix. One common community line is \u201cTherapy and Meds, or Therapy. But not just Meds.\u201d To that extent, I don\u2019t think anyone can or should decide what\u2019s right for me and my body. What even is ADHD? One thing I HATE about ADHD is it\u2019s basically a meaningless term. Telling someone \u201cI have ADHD\u201d is usually as helpful as telling someone \u201cI like ants.\u201d It might be true, but most people need help figuring out what to do with the information. For the record, I hate ants; I\u2019m mildly allergic to them. Why say that I have ADHD if it\u2019s not helpful? It\u2019s helpful to me to find others who have similar struggles so we can learn from one another and see one another. I\u2019m a member of (https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_Programmers/comments/1gssqya/pillars_of_adhd_positive_acceptance/) ADHD programmers subreddit , where I try to help fight the tide of negativity and self-doubt from time to time. People regularly ask there if they should tell their managers co,-co-workers, or even friends if they have ADHD. Usually, the answer is \u201cno\u201d or \u201cit depends.\u201d Again, only some people react to that information positively or helpfully. So what is positive or helpful? I told my last manager I had ADHD, and while I didn\u2019t quite regret it, I got mentally lumped in with another co-worker who also has ADHD. I didn\u2019t like that, as I felt negatively judged for someone else\u2019s behavior. I sought to work with them to understand what accommodations could look like. I also did this with the help of my therapist. Some accomadations were helpful, some were not. If you\u2019re looking for ways to help someone with ADHD (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcZuL1jQJuM) this video talking about things that help and things that don\u2019t was useful . Plenty of resources are also out there, but it\u2019s a bit of a minefield. Some clinicians and personalities come in with doom and gloom: \u201cADHD is a chronic and debilitating\u2026yada-yada,\u201d and some come in with genuinely helpful and useful advice. One challenge here is that not all ADHD is alike. It is like an RPG game where you can assign certain character attributes at the beginning of the game. Everyone in the world has all of the attributes. An \u201caverage\u201d or \u201cmedian\u201d player might assign all skills equally or go for a common min/max like a brawler that maxes strength or a rogue that maxes stealth. Someone with ADHD has just as many points to apply, but they end up in uncommon areas. One thing I\u2019m quite good at is metacognition. I.e., thinking about thinking. Basically, I\u2019ve never had a quiet moment in my brain while I was awake. Nearly every action I take, I think about it before and sometimes think about why I\u2019m thinking about it while doing it. This translates to me being very good at writing tutorials, as I\u2019m composing a mini-tutorial in my brain every time I do any task. It also translates to usability work because not only do I mess up a lot of processes accidentally, but I can remember exactly WHY I made the assumptions I made. I know what to change about the process or environment to steer me down a better path. I make it sound like a superpower, but it\u2019s got a downside as well\u2026I overthink some of the simplest tasks, and standardized test-taking is super hard for me. I\u2019m constantly questioning whether the problem is really \u201cthat easy\u201d or if the author hid some tricky language I\u2019m not catching. Not all ADHD folks are good at metacognition. Going back to the RPG analogy. All wizards might have more intellect than strength; that\u2019s one attribute that helps to classify them as in the wizard group, but some might have higher charisma than others. ADHD is kind of like that, but it\u2019s harder to pin down. One common category is self-agency. That\u2019s the ability to say to yourself, \u201cI want to X\u201d, and then actually be able to follow through with it. Like \u201cI want to do the dishes\u201d or \u201cI want to send a patch to the Puma webserver.\u201d Kids have a still-developing pre-frontal cortex and, therefore, have problems with agency. Last night, my 6-year-old kept telling me he wanted to apologize for his mistake, but he just couldn\u2019t . He had the right idea; his car was pointed in the right direction, but there wasn\u2019t any charge on the battery to get anywhere. That\u2019s a common negative. One frequently cited positive is \u201cgood in an emergency.\u201d One example that comes up at home is when my wife took me to a wedding with a bonfire. I didn\u2019t know anyone, but I was generally social when another guest walked by and fell INTO the bonfire. Everyone else froze. I eyed a piece of wood that hadn\u2019t caught fire yet, braced there with my hand, and pulled him out with my other hand. He was dusting himself off, and no one else had moved. Everyone said things like \u201cWow\u201d and \u201cThat was amazing, what you just did\u201d, but I literally didn\u2019t even think about it. I don\u2019t know why everyone didn\u2019t jump up and do the same thing on the flip side. I did not notice that I opened 10 drawers to find a thing and didn\u2019t close any of them. In an RPG context, what distinguishes us is that our skill points are distributed in a not-normal way. You may have heard of neuro-divergent, neuro-diverse, or neuro-spicy folks. That\u2019s what I think of when I hear those terms. I imagine a bell curve, and in the middle is most people, at either end: both high and low is a much smaller group, and that\u2019s where you\u2019ll find us. We generally have challenges that are hard to comprehend or relate to, but we excel in equally surprising ways. We\u2019re not better or worse, we just are. One (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbhI31AWzns) scene that comes to mind is from the classic \u201cButch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.\u201d Butch and Sundance are on the run from the law and need a job to feed themselves. They know how to rob, so they figure they\u2019re qualified for a job protecting goods from robbers (more or less). In the job interview, the hiring manager hands Sundance a firearm and asks him to shoot a brick. It\u2019s the gunslinger equivalent of a whiteboarding interview. Sundance moves to holster his weapon and then draw it when the guy stops him. He tells him, \u201cI just want to know if you can shoot,\u201d meaning drawing is above and beyond; he\u2019s looking for basic proficiency. He couldn\u2019t even do the minimum. Sundance misses the easier shot and says, \u201cI\u2019m better when I move.\u201d The guy is confused, so Sundance holsters the weapon, then draws and fires 3 times in rapid succession, hitting the brick in an impressive display. On the surface, he can\u2019t do the basics, but when tasked to go above and beyond in a field he cares about\u2026 he can deliver. What does it all mean? That\u2019s a lot of rambling, so let\u2019s wrap this up. The same cognition test shows I have a higher-than-average IQ. On several tests for things like visual perception, I rank as \u201csuperior.\u201d In some ways, this discrepancy helped me hide my symptoms and is what led me to not get a diagnosis sooner. Now that I\u2019ve got my diagnosis, am I happier? Am I more productive? Is my family life better? In general, I\u2019m more attentive to mundane things than before. I might not notice much difference, but my wife reports a noticeable change for the better. I can do boring things like standardized compliance training more easily at work. But meds and therapy aren\u2019t \u201cfixes,\u201d as there\u2019s no problem to be fixed. They\u2019re about fitting my square brain and needs into the round holes of society. This isn\u2019t a \u201csociety is bad and should accommodate me\u201d conclusion. Society did not wrong me. Society didn\u2019t make me. I\u2019m not the Joker. If I could change one thing, it would be that we all try to have more empathy for one another. That doesn\u2019t mean you must agree with everyone\u2019s actions or perceptions. It means that when someone tells you a lived experience you don\u2019t understand, come to it with curiosity before condemnation. I wrote this in response to a post by a \u201cleader\u201d in the community who idly wondered some thoughts aloud. If I ask for empathy, he deserves some as a person, the same as anyone else. If we want more empathy from one another, we need it from our leaders. We need their curiosity. Dave has actively fought to be a leader in the Ruby community. The post right before this ADHD screed is about him joining the board of directors of a billion-dollar corporation. He is definitively a person of power. The titles before that are: Obsessive problem solving followed by aimless wandering House rules in Fortnite Too much therapy at work I appreciate his openness. I don\u2019t feel he\u2019s \u201chiding\u201d anything from you or me. But there was a time when \u201cDaring Greatly\u201d by Brene Brown was on everyone\u2019s bookshelf, daring people to be vulnerable. Many didn\u2019t read it and missed that oversharing is its own form of deflection. Dave\u2019s rambling stream-of-consciousness makes for interesting controversy, but what does it achieve? As a leader, what is Dave leading us towards? I don\u2019t think he knows, at least not here. I wish he would distinguish his musings to differentiate between \u201cI understand the consequences of these words and the outsized impact they may have and endorse them as a leader of a company, a board, and a community.\u201d Versus \u201cI woke up and had a thought and didn\u2019t have anyone else to say it to, so I wrote it here.\u201d I also wish to have more conversations with him, personally and with the community. I wish he was more curious about some of these statements. They\u2019re certainly strong opinions, but are they weekly held? It\u2019s unknowable. What exactly does he want out of that ADHD post? He claims it\u2019s for me to say, \u201cI do speed.\u201d Weird flex, but okay. I take Lisdexamfetamine. I\u2019ve not hidden that from anyone; I bring it up in casual conference conversations. He would know, but I don\u2019t believe I\u2019ve ever seen him at a RubyConf, and usually, he leaves the day after his talk at RailsConf as long as I\u2019ve been going to them since ~2012. I\u2019ve only chatted with Dave when I organized a fancy dinner. I\u2019m guessing he\u2019ll be around for Railsworld, so maybe I can catch him there next year. Maybe I can ask him, \u201cWhat led to that ADHD observation and thought that produced the article? How does that make you feel? What do you need that leads you to want to write about this? What specific request might you have for your reader?\u201d Maybe if you see him, you can ask. 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() (Email Address) () (Subscribe) Keep Reading \ud83d\ude80 (/rubyconf-2024-hackday/) RubyConf 2024: Cloud Native Buildpack Hackday (and other Ruby deploy tools, too!) I\u2019ve spent the last decade+ working on Ruby deploy tooling, including (but not limited to) the Heroku classic and upcoming Cloud Native Buildpack. If you want to contribute to a Ruby deployment or packaging tool (even if it\u2019s not one I maintain), I can help. If you want to learn more about Cloud Native Buildpacks (CNBs) and maybe get a green square on GitHub (or TWO!), keep reading for more resources. (/rubyconf-2024-hackday/) Read More (/2024/05/01/build-a-ruby-on-rails-application-image-in-5-minutes-no-dockerfile-required/) Docker without Dockerfile: Build a Ruby on Rails application image in 5 minutes with Cloud Native Buildpacks (CNB) I love the power of containers, but I\u2019ve never loved Dockerfile . In this post we\u2019ll build a working (https://opencontainers.org/) OCI image of a Ruby on Rails application that can run locally without the need to write or maintain a Dockerfile . You will learn about the Cloud Native Buildpack (CNB) ecosystem, and how to utilize the (https://buildpacks.io/docs/for-platform-operators/how-to/integrate-ci/pack/) pack CLI to build images. Let\u2019s get to it! (/2024/05/01/build-a-ruby-on-rails-application-image-in-5-minutes-no-dockerfile-required/) Read More (/2023/06/14/its-dangerous-to-go-alone-pub-mod-use-thisrs/) It's dangerous to go alone, `pub` `mod` `use` this.rs What exactly does use and mod do in Rust? And how exactly do I \u201crequire\u201d that other file I just made? This article is what I wish I could have given a younger me. (/2023/06/14/its-dangerous-to-go-alone-pub-mod-use-thisrs/) Read More (/2023/02/24/what-is-githubcomzombocom-and-why-most-of-my-ruby-libraries-there/) What is github.com/zombocom and why most of my Ruby libraries there? The other day I got another question about the zombocom org on GitHub that prompted me to write this post. This org, (https://github.com/zombocom) github.com/zombocom , holds most all of my popular libraries). Why put them in a custom GitHub org, and why name it zombocom? Let\u2019s find out. (/2023/02/24/what-is-githubcomzombocom-and-why-most-of-my-ruby-libraries-there/) Read More (/2022/11/09/pairing-on-open-source/) Pairing on Open Source I came to love pairing after I hurt my hands and couldn\u2019t type. I had to finish up the last 2 months of a graduate CS course without the ability to use a keyboard. I had never paired before but enlisted several other developers to type for me. After I got the hang of the workflow, I was surprised that even when coding in a language my pair had never written in (C or C++), they could spot bugs and problems as we went. Toward the end, I finished the assignments faster when I wasn\u2019t touching the keyboard, than I was by myself. Talking aloud forced me to refine my thoughts before typing anything. It might be intimidating to try pairing for the first time, but as Ben puts \u201cit\u2019s just a way of working together.\u201d (/2022/11/09/pairing-on-open-source/) Read More " ], "output": "htmltotext.txt", "pwd": "/data/archive/1732477551.230073", "schema": "ArchiveResult", "start_ts": "2024-11-24T21:31:05.050398+00:00", "status": "succeeded" } ], "media": [ { "cmd": [ "/usr/local/bin/yt-dlp", "--restrict-filenames", "--trim-filenames", "128", "--write-description", "--write-info-json", "--write-annotations", "--write-thumbnail", "--no-call-home", "--write-sub", "--write-auto-subs", "--convert-subs=srt", "--yes-playlist", "--continue", "--no-abort-on-error", "--ignore-errors", "--geo-bypass", "--add-metadata", "--format=(bv*+ba/b)[filesize<=750m][filesize_approx<=?750m]/(bv*+ba/b)", "--skip-download", "--cache-dir=/data/yt-dlp-cache/", "--cookies=/data/yt-dlp-cache/cookies.txt", "--proxy=socks5://tor-socks-proxy:9150", "--no-playlist", "https://schneems.com/2024/11/21/my-red-hot-adhd-programming-affliction/" ], "cmd_version": "2024.10.7", "end_ts": "2024-11-24T19:46:33.861441+00:00", "index_texts": [], "output": "media/", "pwd": "/data/archive/1732477551.230073", "schema": "ArchiveResult", "start_ts": "2024-11-24T19:46:17.864478+00:00", "status": "succeeded" } ], "mercury": [ { "cmd": [ "/home/archivebox/.npm/bin/postlight-parser", "https://schneems.com/2024/11/21/my-red-hot-adhd-programming-affliction/" ], "cmd_version": "2.2.3", "end_ts": "2024-11-24T19:46:16.166732+00:00", "index_texts": null, "output": "mercury/", "pwd": "/data/archive/1732477551.230073", "schema": "ArchiveResult", "start_ts": "2024-11-24T19:46:13.482514+00:00", "status": "succeeded" } ], "pdf": [], "readability": [ { "cmd": [ "/home/archivebox/.npm/bin/readability-extractor", "./{dom,singlefile}.html" ], "cmd_version": "0.0.11", "end_ts": "2024-11-24T19:48:47.761119+00:00", "index_texts": [], "output": "ArchiveError: Readability could not find HTML to parse for article text", "pwd": "/data/archive/1732477551.230073", "schema": "ArchiveResult", "start_ts": "2024-11-24T19:48:47.758582+00:00", "status": "failed" }, { "cmd": [ "/home/archivebox/.npm/bin/readability-extractor", "./{dom,singlefile}.html" ], "cmd_version": "0.0.11", "end_ts": "2024-11-24T19:46:05.151582+00:00", "index_texts": [], "output": "ArchiveError: Readability could not find HTML to parse for article text", "pwd": "/data/archive/1732477551.230073", "schema": "ArchiveResult", "start_ts": "2024-11-24T19:46:05.150445+00:00", "status": "failed" }, { "cmd": [ "/home/archivebox/.npm/bin/readability-extractor", "/tmp/tmpra6fy4a2", "https://schneems.com/2024/11/21/my-red-hot-adhd-programming-affliction/" ], "cmd_version": "0.0.11", "end_ts": "2024-11-24T21:31:04.776054+00:00", "index_texts": [ "Sorry, Dave, ADHD is real, and (not acknowledging it) can hurt you. Hi. I\u2019m Richard. I\u2019m a Ruby Core Contributor. I also code in Rust, and enjoy giving talks and writing books about How to (Contribute to) Open Source. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 30\u2019s. What does it mean that I was \u201cdiagnosed\u201d with ADHD? Am I simply a speed junkie? What even is ADHD, and why is there so much misinformation and misunderstanding about it? Keep reading to find out.\n\n\n For context, this is inspired by DHH, the creator of Ruby on Rails, musing out loud that maybe ADHD isn\u2019t really a thing and that people who claim to have it are really just speed junkies in his post \u2018Cold reading an ADHD affliction\u2019. Though it\u2019s turned into a bit of a personal essay on my ADHD journey and thoughts on what it means to be a leader in the age of social media.\n\n\nWhy do I think I have ADHD?\n\nFirst off. What was my diagnosis story? As a child, I was told I had a \u201cgreat memory\u201d and was a solid A- to B+ student. School wasn\u2019t interesting, so I didn\u2019t really try. My biggest behavioral issue was that I snuck books into class and read them under my desk. If your mental picture of someone with ADHD is an out-of-control \u201clittle monster,\u201d then this seems like the opposite. I got through college with a degree, taught myself Ruby on Rails (thanks for the framework, Dave!), got a job, and, at some point, started giving conference talks around the world. So far, so good. No ADHD is on the horizon for me!\n\nI started seeing a therapist because I\u2019m a knowledge worker, and I wanted to make sure my brain was in top shape. A high-performing athlete sees physical therapists and trainers even when performing well. I heard others talk about their ADHD on social media. I was surprised at some symptoms like \u201chyperfocus,\u201d the blessing/curse that is an inability to stop a task you\u2019re engaged with. I heard about time blindness and other traits that resonated with me. As Jessica McCabe from \u201cHow to ADHD\u201d (YouTube channel and book) would say, \u201cBut every [programmer] has those problems, right?\u201d You might think this is where my therapist stood up and loudly declared, \u201cNO, YOU HAVE ADHD.\u201d But they didn\u2019t; I\u2019ve found there\u2019s a bit of a stigma about ADHD, even within the mental health community. My therapist\u2019s approach was to not validate my \u201chey, this is resonating with me\u201d but instead take the approach of Asking, \u201cWhat are the impacts of that being true? How can that information be helpful?\u201d for lack of a better term they \u201cleaned out\u201d of the self-diagnosis but didn\u2019t dismiss it (thankfully). They encouraged me to seek more materials and bring them back to discuss with them.\n\nOof, I skipped a part. Why was I bringing that self-diagnosis part up to my therapist? ADHD doesn\u2019t just affect your professional life. In fact, my ADHD is amazing for my professional life (usually) as it helps me debug a problem for hours as the day slips away. It also affects relationships. Life for me growing up was tough. I always felt like something was wrong. I felt like life was harder for me than everyone else, but I did well enough, so it mostly sounded like I was a big complainer to adults. I was able to develop coping mechanisms that worked, such as bringing books to school when I was young. I had more agency to adapt to the world when I got older. This is one reason I\u2019m so drawn to open source: it lets me fix problems that are trivial to others but deeply painful and personal.\n\nWhile I could terraform my professional and adult life to work with my brain quirks and preferences, terraforming my wife and children wasn\u2019t an option. Children are quite inflexible in their needs, and it was difficult for me to adapt. I\u2019m generally meh at doing mundane and basic things but then will over-compensate by knocking a handful of really difficult (and interesting) things out of the park. You can\u2019t do that with kids. All their needs are primal yet basic, and it doesn\u2019t matter how well you can change a diaper - there\u2019s no way to do it so well that your infant says, \u201cWow, that was great.\u201d\n\nOne day, I was having an argument with my wife. It was about how I never planned dates. It got heated. She had to go to a meeting, and I planned to return to the conversation \u201cHey, how about we grab lunch after your meeting to talk it over.\u201d I realized that I needed to meet the basic expectations of planning events and trying to compensate for them by taking action then and there. The suggestion might seem trite or pandering, but she thought it was good and agreed.\n\nAn hour later, she walked into my office (garage), and I literally couldn\u2019t remember why she was there. Or rather, I was in the middle of another task, and when she walked in, I had to rack my brain to quickly retrieve the info that would provide context to her: \u201cI\u2019m here.\u201d It took a split second too long, and she noticed. Turns out that I don\u2019t \u201chave a good memory.\u201d What I have is the ability to recall extremely detailed information about a situation, given that I\u2019m primed with the context.\n\nThis gives the false impression of me having a good memory but makes things like \u201cforgetting\u201d you were fighting with your wife and agreeing to go have lunch with her really confusing to other people. It makes it seem like you care about other things but not them. In fact, I deeply care about the people around me, especially my wife. She got pissed, I had a bit of a breakdown. We did go to lunch, and while there, I realized that I had lost track of time and missed my remote call with my therapist. Oops.\n\nThat was a bit of a boiling-over moment, and I was convinced something was wrong in a way that \u201ctry harder (at relationships)\u201d was not the fix. I pushed my therapist harder. They suggested an awful info session class on relationships for couples with ADHD that left my wife in tears. Eventually, we found the book \u201cADHD and Us\u201d by Anita Robertson, and I could really see myself and my relationship in the words of that book.\n\nEven with the book in hand and anecdotes resonating with both my wife and me, I still deeply questioned my self-diagnosis. My therapist at the time still didn\u2019t want to \u201clabel\u201d me. I oscillated between \u201ceveryone has these problems\u201d and \u201cthis matches my lived experience too well to be a coincidence.\u201d It turns out that self-doubt and doubting whether or not you\u2019ve got ADHD is really common. So when I see posts by people who want to be leaders in the community musing out loud that maybe ADHD isn\u2019t really a thing and that it\u2019s all in our heads, it\u2019s pretty hurtful. Not because he\u2019s wrong to have those thoughts or question norms but because everyone who has ADHD already HAS THOSE THOUGHTS. It\u2019s a deeply unhelpful take, and there\u2019s an already misunderstood world of ADHD, even within the medical community.\n\nAt this point, I was not on meds, but I started bringing up the things from the book more and more. I didn\u2019t actually know how to get meds to try them, but I was medication-curious. I found an online ADHD provider, and I felt a mixture of relief and doubt when they said, \u201cYes, sounds like you have ADHD,\u201d and gave me a prescription. Was I telling them what they wanted to hear because I had hyperfocused on the topic and knew all the symptoms inside and out? Or did I actually have ADHD? For the longest time, that was my biggest battle. Answering the question, \u201cDo I actually have ADHD? Or is this all in my head?\u201d I eventually found an available in-person psychiatrist. They are REALLY hard to find. I blankly asked them, \u201cIs this real, or did I make it up,\u201d and through many sessions, they affirmed that I had ADHD. But I still didn\u2019t believe it.\n\nI sought out more of an empirical approach. I eventually found some quite expensive but thorough testing. I signed up for hours of testing at a specialty clinic where they administered mind games like \u201csay the color of a word when the word is the spelling of a different color.\u201d\n\nFor one test, I sat for 15 extremely boring minutes in front of a computer, and every time I heard a beep or saw a dot on the screen, I clicked a mouse button. I then took my meds and, about an hour later, took the exact same test. At the end of the day, I was convinced I was making everything up; the tests seemed easy. I could see how someone could game the attention one, but I was doing this for me; I wanted to know. I focused and tried as hard as possible. I was convinced the before and after scores would be the same.\n\nSpoiler alert, they were not. From the report:\n\n\n Integrated Visual and Auditory Continuous Performance Test \u2013 2nd Edition (IVA-CPT-2)\nThis is a computer-based test specifically designed to assess for symptoms of ADHD.\nRichard\u2019s performance is considered a valid estimate of his functioning. Overall, he earned\nImpaired scores when he was tested without stimulant medication, whereas his performance was\nin the Normal range when he was tested with stimulant medication.\n\n\nApparently I was \u201cimpaired\u201d on the first test without my medication. On the second test, with my medication I\u2019m \u201cnormal.\u201d So maybe I didn\u2019t do so great and the medication does have a measurable positive impact, even if I can\u2019t always tell a difference when I take it.\n\nLater, I would move my prescription to my general practitioner (which I also found out is probably the normal way that most people are prescribed ADHD medication). That doctor also asserted that I had ADHD. And finally, I moved to see Anita Robertson as a therapist. You might remember that name as the author of the book \u201cADHD and Us\u201d, which I loved so much. Turns out she lives in Austin, Texas. She also affirmed my suspicions.\n\nDoes DHH know more about my ADHD then me?\n\nSo, do I have ADHD, Dave? I don\u2019t know. I still question everything about my brain regularly. Your post didn\u2019t help that but didn\u2019t cause it, so I don\u2019t blame you for that question. Yes, I take \u201cspeed\u201d regularly. Still, it\u2019s not like people with ADHD are the only people in the world stimming themselves to keep up with society. It\u2019s also a weird drug. I can tell a difference if I haven\u2019t taken it, but it\u2019s very subtle to me. I have my medication in a timer cap because I genuinely cannot tell whether I\u2019ve taken it or not. Sometimes I forget.\n\nBefore meds, I was self-medicating with caffeine, a lot so of it. I started drinking coffee when I was a child, lots of milk and sugar, but out of the same pot as my parents. I loved how it felt, and the world seemed less bad, if just a bit so. I still enjoy coffee, but more for the taste, and I have far less of it than I did before getting on medication.\n\nMedication helps quite a bit in many areas of my life. Personally and profesisonal. But it\u2019s not a magic fix. One common community line is \u201cTherapy and Meds, or Therapy. But not just Meds.\u201d To that extent, I don\u2019t think anyone can or should decide what\u2019s right for me and my body.\n\nWhat even is ADHD?\n\nOne thing I HATE about ADHD is it\u2019s basically a meaningless term. Telling someone \u201cI have ADHD\u201d is usually as helpful as telling someone \u201cI like ants.\u201d It might be true, but most people need help figuring out what to do with the information. For the record, I hate ants; I\u2019m mildly allergic to them. Why say that I have ADHD if it\u2019s not helpful?\n\nIt\u2019s helpful to me to find others who have similar struggles so we can learn from one another and see one another. I\u2019m a member of ADHD programmers subreddit, where I try to help fight the tide of negativity and self-doubt from time to time. People regularly ask there if they should tell their managers co,-co-workers, or even friends if they have ADHD. Usually, the answer is \u201cno\u201d or \u201cit depends.\u201d Again, only some people react to that information positively or helpfully.\n\nSo what is positive or helpful? I told my last manager I had ADHD, and while I didn\u2019t quite regret it, I got mentally lumped in with another co-worker who also has ADHD. I didn\u2019t like that, as I felt negatively judged for someone else\u2019s behavior. I sought to work with them to understand what accommodations could look like. I also did this with the help of my therapist. Some accomadations were helpful, some were not. If you\u2019re looking for ways to help someone with ADHD this video talking about things that help and things that don\u2019t was useful. Plenty of resources are also out there, but it\u2019s a bit of a minefield. Some clinicians and personalities come in with doom and gloom: \u201cADHD is a chronic and debilitating\u2026yada-yada,\u201d and some come in with genuinely helpful and useful advice.\n\nOne challenge here is that not all ADHD is alike. It is like an RPG game where you can assign certain character attributes at the beginning of the game. Everyone in the world has all of the attributes. An \u201caverage\u201d or \u201cmedian\u201d player might assign all skills equally or go for a common min/max like a brawler that maxes strength or a rogue that maxes stealth. Someone with ADHD has just as many points to apply, but they end up in uncommon areas. One thing I\u2019m quite good at is metacognition. I.e., thinking about thinking. Basically, I\u2019ve never had a quiet moment in my brain while I was awake. Nearly every action I take, I think about it before and sometimes think about why I\u2019m thinking about it while doing it. This translates to me being very good at writing tutorials, as I\u2019m composing a mini-tutorial in my brain every time I do any task. It also translates to usability work because not only do I mess up a lot of processes accidentally, but I can remember exactly WHY I made the assumptions I made. I know what to change about the process or environment to steer me down a better path. I make it sound like a superpower, but it\u2019s got a downside as well\u2026I overthink some of the simplest tasks, and standardized test-taking is super hard for me. I\u2019m constantly questioning whether the problem is really \u201cthat easy\u201d or if the author hid some tricky language I\u2019m not catching.\n\nNot all ADHD folks are good at metacognition. Going back to the RPG analogy. All wizards might have more intellect than strength; that\u2019s one attribute that helps to classify them as in the wizard group, but some might have higher charisma than others. ADHD is kind of like that, but it\u2019s harder to pin down. One common category is self-agency. That\u2019s the ability to say to yourself, \u201cI want to X\u201d, and then actually be able to follow through with it. Like \u201cI want to do the dishes\u201d or \u201cI want to send a patch to the Puma webserver.\u201d\n\nKids have a still-developing pre-frontal cortex and, therefore, have problems with agency. Last night, my 6-year-old kept telling me he wanted to apologize for his mistake, but he just couldn\u2019t. He had the right idea; his car was pointed in the right direction, but there wasn\u2019t any charge on the battery to get anywhere. That\u2019s a common negative. One frequently cited positive is \u201cgood in an emergency.\u201d One example that comes up at home is when my wife took me to a wedding with a bonfire. I didn\u2019t know anyone, but I was generally social when another guest walked by and fell INTO the bonfire. Everyone else froze. I eyed a piece of wood that hadn\u2019t caught fire yet, braced there with my hand, and pulled him out with my other hand. He was dusting himself off, and no one else had moved. Everyone said things like \u201cWow\u201d and \u201cThat was amazing, what you just did\u201d, but I literally didn\u2019t even think about it. I don\u2019t know why everyone didn\u2019t jump up and do the same thing on the flip side. I did not notice that I opened 10 drawers to find a thing and didn\u2019t close any of them.\n\nIn an RPG context, what distinguishes us is that our skill points are distributed in a not-normal way. You may have heard of neuro-divergent, neuro-diverse, or neuro-spicy folks. That\u2019s what I think of when I hear those terms. I imagine a bell curve, and in the middle is most people, at either end: both high and low is a much smaller group, and that\u2019s where you\u2019ll find us. We generally have challenges that are hard to comprehend or relate to, but we excel in equally surprising ways. We\u2019re not better or worse, we just are.\n\nOne scene that comes to mind is from the classic \u201cButch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.\u201d Butch and Sundance are on the run from the law and need a job to feed themselves. They know how to rob, so they figure they\u2019re qualified for a job protecting goods from robbers (more or less). In the job interview, the hiring manager hands Sundance a firearm and asks him to shoot a brick. It\u2019s the gunslinger equivalent of a whiteboarding interview. Sundance moves to holster his weapon and then draw it when the guy stops him. He tells him, \u201cI just want to know if you can shoot,\u201d meaning drawing is above and beyond; he\u2019s looking for basic proficiency. He couldn\u2019t even do the minimum. Sundance misses the easier shot and says, \u201cI\u2019m better when I move.\u201d The guy is confused, so Sundance holsters the weapon, then draws and fires 3 times in rapid succession, hitting the brick in an impressive display. On the surface, he can\u2019t do the basics, but when tasked to go above and beyond in a field he cares about\u2026 he can deliver.\n\nWhat does it all mean?\n\nThat\u2019s a lot of rambling, so let\u2019s wrap this up. The same cognition test shows I have a higher-than-average IQ. On several tests for things like visual perception, I rank as \u201csuperior.\u201d In some ways, this discrepancy helped me hide my symptoms and is what led me to not get a diagnosis sooner. Now that I\u2019ve got my diagnosis, am I happier? Am I more productive? Is my family life better? In general, I\u2019m more attentive to mundane things than before. I might not notice much difference, but my wife reports a noticeable change for the better. I can do boring things like standardized compliance training more easily at work. But meds and therapy aren\u2019t \u201cfixes,\u201d as there\u2019s no problem to be fixed. They\u2019re about fitting my square brain and needs into the round holes of society.\n\nThis isn\u2019t a \u201csociety is bad and should accommodate me\u201d conclusion. Society did not wrong me. Society didn\u2019t make me. I\u2019m not the Joker. If I could change one thing, it would be that we all try to have more empathy for one another. That doesn\u2019t mean you must agree with everyone\u2019s actions or perceptions. It means that when someone tells you a lived experience you don\u2019t understand, come to it with curiosity before condemnation.\n\nI wrote this in response to a post by a \u201cleader\u201d in the community who idly wondered some thoughts aloud. If I ask for empathy, he deserves some as a person, the same as anyone else. If we want more empathy from one another, we need it from our leaders. We need their curiosity.\n\nDave has actively fought to be a leader in the Ruby community. The post right before this ADHD screed is about him joining the board of directors of a billion-dollar corporation. He is definitively a person of power. The titles before that are:\n\n\n Obsessive problem solving followed by aimless wandering\n House rules in Fortnite\n Too much therapy at work\n\n\nI appreciate his openness. I don\u2019t feel he\u2019s \u201chiding\u201d anything from you or me. But there was a time when \u201cDaring Greatly\u201d by Brene Brown was on everyone\u2019s bookshelf, daring people to be vulnerable. Many didn\u2019t read it and missed that oversharing is its own form of deflection. Dave\u2019s rambling stream-of-consciousness makes for interesting controversy, but what does it achieve?\n\nAs a leader, what is Dave leading us towards? I don\u2019t think he knows, at least not here. I wish he would distinguish his musings to differentiate between \u201cI understand the consequences of these words and the outsized impact they may have and endorse them as a leader of a company, a board, and a community.\u201d Versus \u201cI woke up and had a thought and didn\u2019t have anyone else to say it to, so I wrote it here.\u201d I also wish to have more conversations with him, personally and with the community. I wish he was more curious about some of these statements. They\u2019re certainly strong opinions, but are they weekly held? It\u2019s unknowable.\n\nWhat exactly does he want out of that ADHD post? He claims it\u2019s for me to say, \u201cI do speed.\u201d Weird flex, but okay. I take Lisdexamfetamine. I\u2019ve not hidden that from anyone; I bring it up in casual conference conversations. He would know, but I don\u2019t believe I\u2019ve ever seen him at a RubyConf, and usually, he leaves the day after his talk at RailsConf as long as I\u2019ve been going to them since ~2012. I\u2019ve only chatted with Dave when I organized a fancy dinner. I\u2019m guessing he\u2019ll be around for Railsworld, so maybe I can catch him there next year.\n\nMaybe I can ask him, \u201cWhat led to that ADHD observation and thought that produced the article? How does that make you feel? What do you need that leads you to want to write about this? 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